Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I want her autograph on my taint
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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