I met the friendliest cop last night
a search helicopter?!
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
