I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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