I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my shit smells like andre
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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