Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
