She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
