well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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