Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
