No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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