what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i drank out of a bidet.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
