Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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