I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
