Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
