Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
