Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
