The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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