I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
