i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
