note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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