if i can run in heels then i can drive
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
