I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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