is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
