are you so shy because you have an std?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
