Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
40s are totally the cure
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
