I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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