All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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