So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
