My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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