just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
