hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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