dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
