I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
