It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
