i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
