Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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