"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
