he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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