I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Soap is not a condiment
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
