the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
