he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
