Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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