is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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