Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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