i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
i need some magic done to my vagina
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