you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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