I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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