I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
