Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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