You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize