When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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