Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
