Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
