Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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