I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
