I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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