i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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