I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
