The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
