Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
