I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
