I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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