im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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