you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
